Mormon Missionaries at Burning Man

“Got everything packed boys?” the father asked, as his son David and new best friend, Butt made a final inventory of their fishing gear.

“Yep dad, if I don’t bring back a limit you can call me a wuss,” David said, smiling as he closed the cab door on his truck.

“Be careful and stay out of trouble,”

“It’s gonna be hellfire on that aluminum boat,” David said, smiling.

David Dean and Bradley Utt nicknamed “Butt” were Mormon and lived in Salt Lake City. Three years earlier, they went through the Missionary Training Center together in preparation for an overseas mission.

When they returned after two years in the field, they became fast friends.

Within a month, Butt set his eyes on a girl two years younger than him, with a strong faith, and devout family. He told David he was going to propose to her in three weeks. As a kind of one-last-chance-to-see-the-world-on-a-budget, David convinced Butt to go with him to the annual Burning Man festival he had heard about. Neither had been. They lied to their parents and said they were taking a fishing trip to Pyramid Lake on the Black Rock Mesa in northern Nevada.

“Why Tuesday?” Butt asked.

“Because the crowd will be too crazy Sunday and Monday.”

“How do you know?”

“Dude, there’s gonna be 40,000 people… that’s a lot of cars. Do you want to sit in traffic for ten hours?” David replied.

“I don’t know braw, at $295, I want my money’s worth.”

“Dude, a movie costs nine dollars for two hours. We’re gonna be there for six days. That correlates to a bazillion bucks. Relax, you’ll get your monies worth.

“How much water did you pack?” Butt asked.

“Two cases.”

“Is that’s enough?”

“They’ll have water,”

“How do you know?”

“Because they don’t want people dying.”

“But the booklet says nothing will be supplied.”

“Malarkey.”

DAY 1

Tuesday arrived and ten miles past Gerlach, Nevada, they pulled off the highway onto a two-lane gravel road. Hundreds of cars were still in line. At 9:00 A.M., the sun was already turning from a soft mallet to a hammer, and the open-cab of the Tacoma was approaching ninety degrees.

They saw a large dust bowl in the distance that marked The Playa.

They pulled up to the gate and were asked to exit the vehicles. They received big hugs, and a woman slapped Butt on his ass while security did a quick check of the vehicle.

“There is no way we’re keeping our testimonies on this trip,” Butt said, shaking his head.

“Sure we will, just remember Sodom and Gomorrah, if we can survive this, we can keep it together anywhere. It’s a test. It’ll be our forty-days in the desert so to speak. You wearing your garments?” David asked.

“Of course, you?”

“Yea, for fun, I brought two large sheets which we can put a hole in and wear them like robes with a belt. You’re supposed to go in costume. We’re gonna be the angel messenger boys and spread the word to anyone who’ll listen.”

They were directed to the outskirts of a large tent city with dazzling colors and flags and structures from simple lean-to’s and tents to elaborate PVC structures that could have been designed by Cal Tech engineers. The air was parched and dust devils swirled around the camp.

They set up a four-man Coleman tent and threw down an air-mattress, and then unloaded an ice-chest, water and a grocery bag full of Slim Jims and Spaghetti O’s.

“Dude, you think that’s enough food?” Butt asked.

“If you don’t eat like a pig, but I’m telling you, they’re supposed to share here. We’ll be fine.”

“What are we supposed to share?” Butt asked.

“The message, retard.”

“Hmmm, I’m thinking at best, we’re gonna starve, die of thirst, and lose our testimony, all in less than a week,” Butt said, as he watched a naked middle-aged black couple walk by.

By noon, the heat was oppressive.

“Here, put this on,” David said, handing Butt a large white sheet with a hole, cut in the middle and slits on the side.

Both men undressed to their garments which resembled white thermal underwear, and put the robes on and used their belts to cinch them at the waist.

“Let’s check things out,” David said, pointing to the central Playa in the distance marked by a 100 foot high, wooden statue of man.

“Dude, we should have brought bikes, that’s gotta be a mile away,” Butt said, turning red.

Both men were aged twenty-two and of the same build, just under 6-feet tall and in good shape. Both wore their hair in crew cuts and carried Bibles and the Book of Mormon.

They started out and things got crazy in five minutes.

Dude, check that out, four o’clock, don’t make it obvious, they’re humping, the door’s wide open, there must be ten people, geeze that blond’s cute. Slow down dude, I’m goin’ closer,” David said.

“Idiot.”

“Shut up wing-man, I didn’t say I was going in.”

David tried not to make his voyeurism obvious, but he looked like a clown at a funeral. He tried to keep his eyes forward, but it didn’t work, a brunette with short-cropped hair, tattooed and pierced, ran out of the tent covered in oil and jumped into David’s arms and starting sucking on his neck. His robe was soon stained with oil, and carried a slight odor of Jasmine.

“You’re cute,” she said, rubbing his back and butt with her slippery hands.

“Excuse me, but I can’t stay,” he said, with a hard-on poking through his thin, cotton garments like a railroad spike.

“Common!” she said, leading him by the hand towards the tent.

“I can’t,” he said, breaking her grip and running towards Butt whose eyes were as wide as quarters.

“Dude, don’t look now, but you better start thinking about Diamond Mines in Africa, you look like a deep-fried, vertical pup-tent.

“She just grabbed me,” David said, flushed.

They continued walking. David glanced back and the brunette blew him a kiss and waved.

“Geeze, braw, 10 ‘o’clock,” Butt said, as a train of topless woman on bikes were approaching, followed by four men on bikes smoking cigars, dressed in pink tutu’s.

“You want to say a prayer right now,” Butt asked.

“It would be weird with a hard-on that’s ripping through my bottoms,” David replied.

“No get close,” Butt said, putting his hand on David’s shoulder.

Dear Heavenly Father, we ask that you give us strength to get through the temptations of this day and to keep our faith strong, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

They stood in silence for a minute of supplication.

“Dude, it worked, the sword is starting to sheath itself,” David said.

“Do we keep going?” Butt asked.

“Yea, I’m fine,” David said, as they got closer to the center of activity.

A pulsating bass line began to get louder from two columns of black speakers, as an electronic DJ was screaming rants in front of a large crowd, mostly naked, many covered in bright body paints, and adorned with scarves, wigs and holding squirt guns, and mostly dancing.

Butt started to feel an un-retractable sensation below his waist.

“Uh-oh, don’t look, but I’m starting to feel some stiffness at 6 o’clock,” he said, with a worried expression

“Let’s get away from this crowd,” David said, pointing to a side street off the main plaza

“I’m dying of thirst, we should of carried a bottle of water. I gotta sit down, or people are gonna stare,” Butt said.

“Okay, you sit and I’ll find us a drink,” David replied.

Two hour later, David returned, carrying two cups of fruit-punch laced with a mild hallucinogenic powder. He’d already downed half-a-pitcher.

He was starting to see wonderful shades of magenta rising from the various flag poles and then forming circles around birds that were flying overhead. He was sporting a new hard-on, but ignored it, it only brought a mild discomfort. He felt a strange calm settle over his body. Colors were more vibrant, and objects started speaking in tongues, and he smiled.

Butt had his Book of Mormon open and was reading out-loud as a group of eight women and men dressed in loin cloths and beads were doing some kind of Indian Spiritual dance next to him.

David thought they were beautiful. Butt looked worried.

“Dude, drink up, I told you people were gonna be generous” David said, with a smile.

Butt downed the large cup in one gulp, then looked at David.

“Thanks Braw, that was good. I just opened the book and let the heathens dance…you also realize I hope… that your robe is gone and all you’re wearing is garment bottoms,”

“Dude, dude, dude, dude, I barely escaped with my life, I was walkin along killing, I mean killing, my best Oliver Twist, crying for water…and before I knew it, I was drinking ice-cold fruit punch with a Cherry-Fairy in a purple bus with lots of leather and whips. I think an angry rabbit kissed me.”

“A rabbit?”

“It wasn’t a deer,” David replied.

“You look drunk or high,” Butt replied.

“I’m good, just relaxed.”

“Cool, remember Psalms 46:10: Be still and know that I am God,” Butt said softly.

They sat in silence with legs crossed as the pale orange sun turned crimson as its fiery descent melted into the mountains to the west.

“Let’s pray together,” Butt said, feeling a vibration from above and below, and then watched in awe as the two opposing forces, good and evil, collided on an astro-centrifical-morphic plane creating a milieu of clarity. He was seeing truth, reality, peace and some bitchin colors.

David spoke, “I got it dude…Dear Heavenly Father…thanks man, really… I mean really… thanks, I mean… thank you for this… and for providing us from weakness and deliver us some food for twine is thy garment of your cloth and this forgiveness.”

“Beautiful man, it didn’t make sense, but it was beautiful…Braw…I love you,” Butt said sitting up straighter.

”Beautiful”

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Night came and both were sitting together in their center of the universe which was the middle of the walkway. Butt had removed his sheet and they were laying on their backs using it like a blanket. David had lost his bottoms in a theme camp called The Never Ending Grove of Pinkies.

He observed a guy named Dr, Mega-Volt create sparks and an electric current like a blue-bridge between his hands.

“I saw that in a dream once,” David said, propped up on his elbows. His eyes were a bit out of focus but he enjoyed the new kaleidoscope he was seeing the world in, and the solar system and the universe.

A man and women, obviously a couple approached the two men. They were dressed like Cowboys accept his outfit was pink and hers was black.

“Howdy y’all, is where you two gonna sleep tonight, It’s a pretty busy walk way, y’know,” the man said, as gnomes and fly-boys and monkeys and whores and bunnies, and Indians, and aliens and hippies, and goddesses, and surfers and rangers, and guys in yellow polo-shirts and a bear, and topless cheerleaders, and a guy in a business suit, and his naked secretary taking notes, and midgets and some other guy who was indescribable, and his father, no it just looked like his father…cool…passed by.

David realized the cowboy couple were just wearing chaps for bottoms and yellow/orange sparks were illuminating from the man’s slinging dolphin.

David smiled and gave him a thumbs-up.

“We’re part of the hump-rumpers just down the way and y’all’s welcome to come join us tonight. We got a baron of beef on a big stick turnin over hot coals as we speak.

David looked at Butt who was staring at the sky.

“Hungry Dude?” he asked.

“Yea, a little, you?”

“Roast beef sounds good.

“Okay sheriff, sounds good, where do we go?”

“Follow us,” they said strutting off.

The two men did.

About a hundred yards down a torch-lit walkway they came to a theme camp marked by an authentic picket fence. Inside they saw a chuck wagon, mechanical bull and lots of hay. In the far right corner, several men were standing around an open fire pit, manually turning a half-side of beef over glowing coals. The succulent, fire-seared, fat-on-flesh smelled amazing. A twenty-foot by twenty-foot mini corral with rubber padding as a round cover sat to the left. A naked woman with a white cowboy hat and orange chaps was sitting on a man like you would on a motor cycle. He was on his hands and knees. She held a thin leather cord connected to a collar the man was wearing and holding a large flopping dildo in the other hand. Butt and David were starting to come down and looked at each other.

“Dude, you want to head back to camp?” David asked.

“Yea,” Butt replied.

David walked over to the Sheriff.

“Howdy me and my partner Butt are gonna mosey on out of here, we’ll come back another time for the rodeo,” he said with a firm business handshake.

“Have it your way, see y’all soon.”

They trudged back towards their tent, both naked and tired.

They passed the tent that where the girl had tried to pull David in earlier. They were still into a full-orgy and it was after midnight. They ignored the invites shouted from the tent.

“If I’ve learned after anything here today, it’s to just say no,” David said putting his arm around Butt.

“I agree man, tomorrow we wear pants.”

“Cool.”

Two days passed.

DAY 4

David woke up around ten and said, “how you feelin?” as the direct rays of the sun touched his legs.

“Bit of a headache,” The short-haired brunette replied as she gazed at the new tattoo on David’s chest.

“I love your tattoo, I love to see serpents on men’s chests,” she continued.

“I couldn’t say no…it was free,”

“Have you seen Butt,” David asked Raven.

“He borrowed a bike and was heading to the fence line to watch the sun rise,” Raven replied.

“Is he gay?” Raven continued.

“Why do you ask?”

“Last night when you were passed out, I took a walk and saw him naked in the Jiffy-Lube pool covered in oil with eight bikers,” she said smiling.

“Nah, I think it’s just a phase.”

“You wanna go jump on the trampolines?” Raven asked.

“Yea and I wanna climb the ladder,” David replied

“You ever think about getting pierced?” Raven asked.

“Yea, my ear, once,” David replied.

“I was thinking your nose would be sexy,” she replied.

“I don’t know, I’m gonna have a hard time explaining a coiled black Mamba on half of my upper torso, when I get home,” he sighed.

“Is your family uptight?” Raven asked.

“Well, we’re Mormon,” he replied.

“Nah, that’s not uptight, I’d dig being a harem girl,” Raven said.

“They’re not all like that.”

“How ‘bout you, I don’t mind a foursome,” she said,

“I gathered that from last night, I think it was a ninesome,” he said.

She giggled.

They continued to lay naked together. Every few minutes they would sprinkle water on each other, and he felt at peace with the heat and dust.

A golf cart pulled up to the tent and a ranger lifted Butt out of the back.

“Between me and you I think he had one too many mushrooms this morning before the sunset,” The heavily muscled ranger said laying Butt in the tent.

“Thanks man, I’ll be sure to feed him when he wakes up,” David said.

“Cool.”

“Geeze Rave…when did he shave his head?” David asked looking at the well oiled scalp of his friend who was passed out on the mattress.

“Must have been last night, he probably went over to Hairless Harry’s theme park. They were doing body shaves last night,” Raven said.

“Geeze and he had his nipples pierced,” David said sitting up.

“He’s gonna propose to a girl in Salt Lake next weekend,” David continued.

“That’s cool.”

“No it’s not, I don’t know how he’s gonna explain the tattoo of a naked construction worker on his left arm.”

“He can wear long sleeves.”

“True, hey you got any more of those brownies,” he asked.

“Sure we brought hundreds,” Raven said smiling.

“Okay, and maybe we should pick up some coffee for Butt,” David said.

“I don’t know… when someone rolls their eyes like that, they’re gonna be out most of the day.”

“You’re probably right, let’s eat that brownie and go jump,” he said standing up, now beginning to feel the pain of the three-hour session under the ink-pen.

They walked to the plaza holding hands and she stopped him before they reached the plaza.

“Let’s get married in the temple,” she said putting both hands on his shoulder.

“I don’t know, I don’t even know your real name,” he said looking into her eyes.

“It’s Cynthia, Cynthia Wagner,” she said.

“Wow, Cynthia Wagner, I like Cynthia,” he said.

“Which do you like better, Cynthia or Raven, she asked.

“I think for here, Raven, but if we get married in the temple, Cynthia.”

“You can call me by my real name in the temple if you want.”

“Okay, I’m in.”

“Fun.”

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Day 7

David and Cynthia were divorced by morning but still on speaking terms.

Butt was in a good mood.

“What I tell you braw…it was love at first sight. I knew it wouldn’t last,” Butt said.

“How would you know, you didn’t wake up until 6 this morning.”

“My boyfriend told me.”

“Your what?”

“You heard me.”

“Do you think that maybe we haven’t been firing on all cylinders these last few days, did you ever stop to consider that we just came off missions six months ago, and that maybe things might be just a tad awkward back home.” David shouted.

“Don’t yell at me bitch!”

“What about your engagement!”

“I’m gonna call it off.”

“Bull.”

“No, it’s not me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Are you kidding? Look at the tattoo, it might be a bit loud but I don’t care.”

“I’m sorry Dude, it’s just that we’ve been stoned, tripped-out, naked, humping anything that moves, I have a coiled black mamba on my chest and a nose-spear and you’ve shaved your head, pierced your nipples, and have a naked construction worker on your arm and you’ve promised yourself to a 45 year-old biker named Max?”

Butt was silent. So was David.

“You wanna skip the burn and head home,” Butt asked.

“Yea I’m in.”

“What do you think you got out of this?” David asked.

“Nothing I didn’t already know,” Butt replied.

“Me too.”

They packed and drove away, their tail lights fading in the dust from the tires.